Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Strategies and alternatives for coping with fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder and other chronic illnesses

Never Fry Bacon Naked, and Other Things Mama Never Told You

Posted by wendyburnett on April 4, 2010


Disclaimer: Not all of the experiences in this post are mine. I’ve collected stories from my friends, too; and if it sounds like something that happened to a guy, it probably was.

My mama never mentioned that it was a bad idea to fry bacon while naked . . . seems to me that would have been good information to have, right up there with “don’t touch a hot stove” and “the red end of the cigarette HURTS.”

She also forgot to mention that carrying bulk packages of toilet paper home on the bus isn’t the best idea. Especially when people already think you’re weird because you’re the only person under the age of 65 sitting in the reserved seats, and you don’t LOOK like there’s anything wrong with you. (I guess it could have been worse, it could have been Depends or a huge box of tampons.)

Oh, a very important one: Mama never told me that joining the Marine Corps because I was tired of being told what to do all the time was NOT a good idea. She forgot to tell me that in boot camp you have just about as much freedom as you do in prison, and someone is telling you what to do from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed at night.

Mothers usually don’t tell you that if you’re having sex with someone you shouldn’t; keeping all your clothing in a neat, easily grabbed pile is probably a very good idea. If you don’t, you could wind up walking home wearing nothing but your boxer shorts and Converse sneakers. (Try explaining THAT to the cops.)

While we’re on the subject of sex, mothers also tend not to let you know that no matter how romantic you think it would be to have sex on the beach, you probably don’t want to try it. Sand has a tendency to get into some very sensitive places, even if you have a blanket or towel. Oh, one other thing – water is NOT a lubricant.

Another thing that parents never think to tell you is that if you have an emergency and have to use the bathroom in the woods, you should NEVER use the plant with leaves in groups of three to wipe with. (Unless you enjoy having poison ivy in delicate areas. Oh, they also forget to tell the guys that if they have poison ivy on their hands, they want to be VERY careful about what they touch.)

Finally, parents usually do tell you that getting drunk isn’t a good plan, but they leave out the part about not letting the cops find you having a conversation with a car. You better hope like hell the car talks to the cops too, or you’re gonna get hauled in for public drunk (if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, they’ll take you to the nearest psych ward.)

Oh, if you make fruit punch with moonshine and cut up fruit, do NOT, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, eat the fruit after it’s been marinating in the shine all weekend . . . (but if you do, don’t let the door to the gymnasium slam behind you.)

That’s all I can think of at the moment, but if there’s anything your folks forgot to warn you about, I’d love to hear about it.

**If you are reading this post anywhere other than wendyburnett.wordpress.com it is because it has been stolen. Please click on the link provided to return to the site of origin.

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2 Responses to “Never Fry Bacon Naked, and Other Things Mama Never Told You”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Teia Pearson, Wendy Burnett, Wendy Burnett, topsy_top20k, topsy_top20k_en and others. topsy_top20k_en said: New Post: Never Fry Bacon Naked, and Other Things Mama Never Told You http://twurl.nl/xp7di1 #humor […]

  2. Your article was most tweeted by Fibromyalgia experts in the Twitterverse…

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