Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Strategies and alternatives for coping with fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder and other chronic illnesses

Tears Can Be a GOOD Thing . . .

Posted by wendyburnett on February 17, 2010


I haven’t been able to cry in months… It’s just all been too much, too hard. I’ve spent hours in bed on the heating pads (not mine, I can’t afford to buy one) staring at the wall or ceiling, feeling the tears in a knot in my throat; in my dry, aching eyes; unable to release them (yes, Ginny, I’m back to the “ten-second cry.”)

Today, thanks to a very dear friend, my tears are free again. Her new post, “Is This It?” is so accurate, so much my experience lately, that I have nothing to add. For me, lately, the answer to that question has been, “yes, this is it, this is all there is, all there ever will be;” and the only prayer I’ve had is, “Please, please just let it be over soon.” I don’t really care any more HOW that ending comes, whether it’s a job for one of us that actually provides enough income to LIVE instead of barely survive, or whether it’s the end of everything, as long as it ends. (Amazingly enough, I’m not suicidal, just physically and emotionally exhausted, and waiting for the day I CAN’T do it any more, the day that waking up and getting out of bed is just TOO hard and I let down all the people I love and who depend on me.)

Thank you Big Little Wolf, for reminding me, once again, that this ISN’T it, that the pain and exhaustion always ease eventually, and that there is always hope.

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12 Responses to “Tears Can Be a GOOD Thing . . .”

  1. Tracy said

    I cannot know what you are gong through but I do know that feeling of is this it.

    I have no words that can possibly help, apart from saying, you are not alone.

    • Tracy – Those are the only words that DO help. Just knowing that someone UNDERSTANDS how it feels is something indescribably precious when we spend so much of our time dealing with those who not only don’t understand, but frequently don’t even BELIEVE there’s anything wrong.

  2. There IS always hope…. and if you are low on it, you can borrow some of mine sweets!
    I am here for you… you know where to find me!
    XO’s
    Jolene

    • Here lately, more hope is always good, and it’s in VERY short supply. (Hubby got sent home from work early yesterday, and has to have “a meeting” in the morning. May or may not have a job tomorrow. They’ve been making him drive trucks with no brakes, and tonite they sent him out in a truck that broke down, so he called, they sent someone out, got him another truck, it broke down . . . after the 3rd one broke down, he lost his temper. It’s a crappy ass job, but we NEED the money; if he gets fired we’ll be trying to live on less than $200 a week, and the rent is $100 a week. Fun, fun, fun.)

      • Gheesh!! When it rains it surely pours doesn’t it??
        You are in my thoughts… I wish there was something I could do to help! I can relate though…. My honey and I had a retail store, and the recession killed our business… we struggled through many months, paying to keep our store open… we fought until the bitter end, but sadly we walked away and lost our business a few months back. It is going to take a VERY long time to crawl out of the whole we are in.

        This kind of stress doesn’t help our pain in the least bit either… the last few months I have been in a flare that I just cannot get out of….

        But there is always hope… some days it is ALL I can do to convince myself of that fact, and I am only human, so some days I fail horribly at trying to stay positive!! The last week has been pretty dark for me actually, it all gets to be too much some days…

        I am here for you if you need me… You have a friend in me. I cannot change it for you, but you are always welcome to vent and try to let some of it go in my direction… I don’t mind ;)I have good ears!!

        Hugs girl! I hope today is a better one for you… Your hubby is in my prayers as well!

      • Well, he’s not fired, yet . . . It might be easier if he had, because now we (I, at least,) will be waiting for the day when they DO find an excuse to get rid of him. They told him today that they want him back on his ADD meds, so that’s probably going to be their excuse, since we can’t AFFORD to pay a doctor to prescribe them, then pay the $100 deductible for the pills, IF they’re even covered. If not, it’s almost $500 for a month’s supply. Hell, we can’t even afford $15 a month for a magnesium supplement. Oh, well, what happens, happens.

  3. Wow, those meds are expensive hey? I understand that, I am on 6 meds, and they are all pretty pricey… I get child and spousal support, so I have those covered, but once my support ends, I don’t know what I will do, since I can’t work. Can an employer make a demand such as that? I don’t know how labor laws work where you are, but maybe it is something you can look into? It seems unfair that they could make a demand such as that.

    My brother, who I lost 10 years ago was severely ADHD… my parents actually had to send him out of the country to even get an education, because the school system here rejected him… those days they didn’t know how to educate people that suffer from those disorders. He was institutionalized for a short period, and was numbed out on drugs… it was all so very sad… The health care system forced my parents hand – and it ended up not being in his best interest… It was so hard to watch.

    You have been in my thoughts all week dear!!
    HUGS! I’m here for you.
    Jolene

    • Yep, they are definitely expensive. I don’t know what the law is about them being able to make him go back on his meds, but I do know that if they fire him because of the ADD, he’s got a discrimination lawsuit since ADD is covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act.

      You should look into filing for Social Security disability NOW, while you still have some kind of income. It frequently takes YEARS to get approved, and if you wait, you could end up with no income at all while you wait, because you can’t do any kind of work or you have to start all over.

      I’ve been reading your blog, but I haven’t done much other than respond to comments/emails. It’s been kind of a rough week, and I’ve spent a LOT of time either in bed or just staring blankly at the screen. Hell, I haven’t even been keeping up with Farmville, and I’m addicted to that. lol

  4. Just popping by to let you know I’m thinking about you… I hope you are hanging in…
    GENTLE WARM HUGS TO YOU DOLL!!

    • I saw your “Strength” post, but haven’t had a chance to get my comment on it (it’s been a bad few days, thank goodness I’ve got 3 days off this week.) The Neuralgia one is good too . . . I don’t have much trouble with that, thank goodness, just in my feet every now and then.

      Hugs to you too – hopefully I’ll be able to get caught up soon.

  5. Well Wendy, my tidy ten are posted. Hope they make you smile. And thank you again for the Sugar Doll!

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